Cynicism

Sometimes I wonder what makes a person cynical.  Now, you can be cynical about just about anything.  Whether it's about politics, religion, relationships, or whatever one of a hundred other things you can possibly think of.  Tonight, I want to address cynicism in regards to relationships, specifically, the romantic kind.  I think it's pretty safe to say that we've all been hurt at one point or another, to one degree of another.  And it doesn't matter if it was with your parents, siblings, friends, significant others.... it's all pain, just the same.  I've had my own share of heartbreak.  Who hasn't, right?  I would dare say that most, if not all, of us have had at least one relationship break up.  But what makes the difference between a heartbreak that ends in giving up on love altogether, and a heartbreak that ends in a heart growing ever bigger to love even more?  Is there really a difference in the intensity of pain?  Or is it all in the way it's all perceived by the one who's been hurt?  Is physical abuse more significant than emotional or mental abuse?  I don't know.  I've never been physically abused, so I can't make a personal comparison.  But I do know emotional and mental abuse.  The scars are different.  They heal differently.  They can all have long lasting effects on our psyche.  I'm grateful that I have not been on the receiving end of physical abuse.  I would like to say that it's easier to deal with than emotional abuse.  But I can't.  The visible scars and wounds may heal faster, but that doesn't make the pain any less significant.  But what about a relationship that is nothing but lies?  What about the cheaters?  What about the ones that just leave, never having said a word?  Are the wounds any less painful?  Honestly, I think it depends on the person, the situation..... every one is different.  I could easily just give up and say to hell with love, especially after two failed marriages.  And yet something inside me simply can't give up.  I can't walk away.  I know.... I don't believe..... I KNOW that true love does exist.  I've seen it in action.  That's not to say that the relationship won't have it's share of problems.  But with true love, I think it becomes more important that the problems be faced head-on, worked through.  I've seen true love face unimaginable odds.... the kinds of things that would break up most couples.... and yet here, the relationship comes out so much stronger than it was before.  And that's saying a lot considering that it was pretty strong to begin with.  I must confess, I don't understand the love cynic.  In my mind, in my heart and soul, I simply can't give up.  I'm not saying that it's a guarantee that I'll find that true love.  I really don't think that there are any guarantees like that.  And yet, if I give up on the search, I know in my heart that I may just end up missing out on something truly amazing.  I am much wiser than I was when I entered my past relationships.  Maybe that's the whole purpose of having relationships that do end.  I now know what I do and don't want.  I now know what I will and will not put up with.  My eyes are most definitely much wider open now.  But I also know that I won't settle for anything less than true love.  If for whatever reason I don't find it in this lifetime, then I will live my life surrounded by my friends and family, and still have an amazing life of my own.  And maybe in the next life.... maybe then, I will find that love.

Adventure awaits!

That's what I told my son this morning when I took him to school for his first day of Kindergarten.  He was so excited.  There was a sparkle in his eyes like nothing I think I've ever seen before.  Kind of made me feel like a putz for wanting to hold on to him as tightly as I possibly could and just sob.  I didn't, of course.  I gave him a hug, a kiss on the cheek, (took some pictures) and told him to have an amazing day.  Then I came home.  Now, I cry.  My little man is growing up.  There is a part of me that wants him to just stop growing and stay just where he is.  Then, there's this other part of me that envies him and the adventure he's beginning.  I think back to when I started school, and believe it or not, I actually kind of miss it.  All the firsts he's about to have: his first classes, his first parties, his first sleep-overs (although he has already done a couple of those things, this is like  a whole different world), his first taste of that rectangular school pizza, and of course, his first crush.  I was looking at the little girls that are in his class, trying to figure out which one it might be.  Honestly, they were all so adorable, I have no idea who the lucky girl might end up being: the little blonde, the brunette, the little black girl, the little Indian girl..... it could literally be any of them.  I still remember my first crush.  Oh! The feelings!  Crazy!  I was 4 when I met him.  And he was wonderful!  I even kept in touch with him up until just a few years ago.  I'd really like to find him again.  But my son... he's meeting new people today, some of them probably won't be in his life for very long at all, others may be friendships that will last the rest of his life.  He told me last night before he went to bed, "Mom, there's a whole great big world out there!"  I said, "Yes, Baby, there is.  You go and explore!"  I wonder what his dreams were like.  He was sure talking a lot in his sleep!  But this is a good thing.  I had my time.  Now..... now is his time.  His life is truly beginning a brand new chapter.  And I can't wait to see what happens next!

Love and loss

This is something that I wrote on my facebook page a couple of months ago.  I'm re-posting it here because I woke up this morning thinking about it.  It's as true now as it ever has been or ever will be.  And I think it's a good thing to be reminded of from time to time.

 "Tonight, I have witnessed the extremes of the human psyche-- from unconditional love and passion, to hate, fear, and the ultimate of repressed pain. Some of these are my own, and some are from friends that are closer to me than family. 

I have seen what unconditional love can accomplish in the face of extreme adversity, and the pain of losing those we've held most dear to our hearts, completely blind to the fact that those we held were only here for a moment-- simply to teach us something. And I learned that no matter how deep the pain at losing those special someone's can be, if we dwell on the pain and loss instead of the joy, love, and basic life lessons they taught us, then we might as well have never had them in our lives at all. Pain and loss are a part of our growth as both physical and spiritual beings. We have to learn from the pain and move on-- not hold on to it as if it were the only thing worth living for.

I saw the power and intensity of true love when combined with complete open and honest communication. I felt the betrayal of someone making excuses for the pain and hurt that they, themselves, inflicted.

I'm going on a tangent here because I don't understand why WE as humans, all equal to each other, cannot simply say what we think and feel the moment we think or feel it. Why must we hide for fear of being hurt, ridiculed, condemned, out of guilt, or for whatever other "reason" we can come up with for not being true to ourselves and those that we truly love? Why do we let those who care only for themselves impact us more deeply than those who would lay down their lives for us? And even those that did truly love us but left us for whatever reason, why do we hold more tightly to the memories and "what if's" than what they wanted us to learn?"

It's easy to  to slip and slide into that pattern of grieving for persons or experiences that have passed.  There is a time for the grieving.  But then there is time to move on.  We mustn't lose ourselves in our memories.  Rather, we should cherish them, and then move on to create new ones.  I don't know why this is on my mind today.  But I wanted to share it as I though it.

Etiquette 101

Ok, so this is one that I could really go on and on for a VERY long time on.  So, with that in mind, I'll just pick one item for today and leave the rest for another time.  There is a term floating around out there that I do believe that a great number of people should refresh themselves as to it's meaning.  That term is "common courtesy".  While I do not, on any level, believe for a moment that the concept has completely evaporated from society, it would seem that there is a growing number of souls out there who have no concept of this term, much less what it means.  Basically, this means that you take another person into consideration before making any decisions, actions, or whatnot.  It is inappropriate for one to invite themselves to another's home.  Ok, there are exceptions.  There are those that are so close and there is an open-door policy, so to speak.  I have a number of friends that know very well they are welcome to pop by whenever they would like for whatever reason.  Or if a person is ill, or there is a dire emergency, or something along those lines, then it would be acceptable.  However, if the person in question is someone that you have little to no tolerance of, there is no reason for this person to be at your home, then for them to simply invite themselves over knowing full well that their only intention is to make your life miserable, then no.  I had this happen this evening.  There is a soul, misguided as he may be, who decided upon himself that he would invite himself to come over for breakfast in the morning and then spend the day.  He did not ask if it was ok.  He did not ask if I had already made other plans.  He simply made the decision.  As far as I am concerned this is extremely arrogant and rude, among other things.  There is a reason for him to make an appearance, but for anything more than that, there simply is no reason.  This is a man who seemingly enjoys doing whatever he can to disrupt my life.  Sadly, at the moment, there is little I can do for reasons I won't go into.  But this is his way.  He has done this numerous times before, and I'm sure will continue to try again in the future.  But here's the kicker.  This is my fault, to an extent.  You see, this is someone that I have known for a great many years.  And in those years, I taught him to treat me this way.  I would put my plans and dreams and desires on hold.  Granted, I am not the only person he does this with.  But I am the only one responsible for this behavior continuing with me.  Now, it is my job to teach him the correct way to treat me.  Hopefully, in turn, it will teach him how to treat others.  Is it really my job to teach him?  In one sense, no.  That is something he should have, theoretically, learned a long time ago.  But in another sense, yes.  There are those out there who will treat you how you allow them to treat you.  Lesson learned.  I am a peace warrior.  Now, let the teaching begin.

Regrets?

"Any arbitrary turning along the way, and I would be elsewhere.  I would be different."  That's a quote from Under the Tuscan Sun, one of my favorite movies.  I've been thinking a lot lately about the past, the choices I've made.  Do you ever stop and ask yourself if you would have done this or that differently?  Most of us have at some point of another.  The past has been on my mind because I've been doing a lot of self-discovery.  I guess a divorce can do that to a person.  And with my son about to start Kindergarten in just a few days...... well..... it's hard not to let some memories come flooding back.  I loved school.  Always did-- from Kindergarten right up through graduation.  I know, I'm weird, right?  It wasn't the school itself that I loved so much.  It was the people, my friends, and even some of the teachers.  I had a teacher in 5th grade... Mrs. Unruh.  I loved that woman!!  She and her husband lived very modestly.  She drove an old fifty-something Chevy, they had only a very small house.  They chose to live this way because every summer, they would pick one country to visit.  They traveled all over the world, just the two of them.  And she would bring back tons of pictures and share them with all of her students.  She was a history teacher, and always found a way to connect her trip with whatever it was she was teaching.  I think she's one of the first people to really get me to start thinking out of the box.  Then all the way up through high school, I was so sure of myself, my dreams, who I was, what I wanted to do and be.  I wanted to be an astronaut.  I wanted to travel the stars, visit other worlds.  I was even accepted to the Air Force Academy and MIT.  I chose a different path.  I met a guy, fell in love (or so I thought), and gave up on that dream, a dream I'd had since my dad got me my first telescope when I was like 6.  I gave it up because I let him tell me what choices to make.  He didn't think that was a good path for me, and I listened to him.  But I can't blame him for that.  I was the one who ultimately made the choice, right?  That was my decision to make.  That relationship didn't last.  I did end up marrying him, but I was miserable from the beginning.  Then, several years later, an old friend came back into my life and I ended up marrying him.  Another mistake, if that's what you want to call it.  I don't know that I necessarily would.  I don't think I could really call either one a mistake... or any of the other relationships I had in between, either.  If I hadn't made the choices I did, then I wouldn't be where I am now, or who I am now.  Granted that girl that was so sure of herself back in high school got lost along the way.  But now, I'm starting to find her again.  I'm finally beginning to rediscover who I am and what I want.  And I like what I'm finding.  Well, for the most part, anyway.  There's always room for improvement.  But in looking back, and thinking about the possibilities of where my life would be had I made different choices.... I'm actually kind of glad that I made the ones I did.  There are great people in my life now that wouldn't have been there otherwise.  I wouldn't have my amazing son.  And I probably wouldn't be as grateful for the little blessings that I see around me every day.  I love to go out and dance around in the rain.  I love to lay in the grass and just watch the butterflies dance around in the air.  Hell, a couple of nights ago, I was talking to a beetle, and trying to help it get a cobweb unwrapped from around it's leg.  No.  No regrets.  I wouldn't want my life to be any other way.  It's not perfect, by any means.  But it's mine.  And I plan to make the most of it.

Let us begin......

Well, hello there.  So.... where does one begin a blog?  I don't know.  Who cares, really?  Let's just go.  I'll start by telling you a little bit about me.  I'm a single mom going through a divorce.  I'm pagan.  I can get up on a soapbox fairly easily.  But when I do, I try to make sure I'm as intelligent about my opinions as possible.  I know... it's not very easy to stay intelligent and rational should emotions become involved.  So, I'm human.  I can't promise a whole lot, but I will try.  And then, of course, for those of you who know me really well, if I don't get a little emotional from time to time, I'm pretty sure you'll start wondering what's wrong.

But let me get back to "I'm pagan".  Seems like a good place to start.  This is one of those things that I can easily pull the soapbox out for.  For those who really don't know, even if you THINK you do, pagan is NOT interchangeable with Wiccan.  Yes, Wicca is a pagan religion.  But not all pagans are Wiccan.  Pagan is a broad umbrella term that generally covers everything not covered under Christianity, Judaism, or Islam.  Saying all pagans are Wiccan would be like saying all Christians are Baptist.  So like under Christianity, you have Catholic, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Baptist, Nazarene..... the list could go on and on..... under paganism, you have Wicca, the various Native American beliefs, Buddhism, Hinduism, Druidism, Asatru, Confucianism, Taoism..... again the list could go on and on.  I say this because I am not Wiccan.  Please don't get me wrong.  There are a great many aspects to Wicca that I respect, and there are a great many people who are Wicca whom I admire greatly.  That's not my point.  I simply don't want there to be any confusion.  I myself really don't like labels as a general rule.  But if I were to give myself a label, it would be something along the lines of eclectic pagan.  You see, I believe that within most religious practices, there is, at the very core, an aspect of truth.  When I was in college, and I went to a Christian college, I had a professor who made a simple statement that I have never forgotten.  He said "Truth is truth, no matter where you find it."  You can only imagine how well that went over with those students who were of the mindset that there is only one truth.  But it made sense to me.  Since then, that has been at the core of my personal set of beliefs.  I don't believe in a one-size-fits-all religion, I don't believe that any one way is the "right" way.  So, I don't go around trying to convert anyone, and I expect that same in return.  An intelligent conversation is great.  Let's talk, let's discuss, ask questions and listen to each other.  That's how we learn.  And I'm sorry, but anyone-- from any religion, group, political affiliation or whatever-- who claims that they've got it all figured out, their way is the only way, they know it all, or whatever..... that person is an idiot.  No one knows everything.  There's always something new out there.  And believe me, I can say that because there was a time when I thought I knew everything.  I used to be a Christian.  And I was one of the annoying ones.  You know, the one that is always walking around carrying a bible just waiting for the chance to "witness" to someone, anyone.  Again, please don't get me wrong.  Not all Christians are like that.  And I am not here to bash Christians or anyone else.  My parents are Christians, and they are great, wonderful people.  But as we are all human, we all have faults.  There are good and bad everywhere.  There are great Christians, and there are those that become dangerous.  The same is true of paganism, Islam, Judaism...... rebpublicans, democrats, socialists, communists....  the wealthy, the poor...... nothing is perfect.  Perfection is overrated anyway.  Where's the fun?

Ok, so I guess that's my first blog.  Wow!  Not what I expected, but oh well.  I want to write about serious stuff, fun stuff..... all sorts of stuff.  Maybe it will make you laugh.  Maybe it will make you think.  Maybe it will piss you off.  Good!  Then you'll be thinking about it.  Until next time....